#004

14th April 2022: I’d call this one, ‘fucking awkward conversations’.

Because that’s what they are. And that’s the reality of social anxiety. And the types of conversations you have with people when you don’t reply to their calls or texts for almost 12 months (reasons below) and then bump into them in the supermarket.

1.

Hectic anxiety. Hella depressive episodes. So much to ‘figure out’. And then time goes by so fast. Before you know it it’s been 12 months.

You wanted to reply to their message. But then at some point you felt that so much time had passed; time that you didn’t know how to explain; that you felt the only option was to slowly phase them out. Sad right?

2.

Rationalisation.

‘Oh I have trouble sustaining relationships’.

‘We were drifting apart anyway’.

‘They haven’t messaged me again, either…’

3.

The easy option: I don’t actually know how to have that conversation and express how I’m feeling

And the veeeery few times that I do have the confidence to at least try, I cannot help but feel like a broken record.

Again and again. The same old story. Paul shutting down. Paul isolating. Paul cutting himself off.

Paul’s mental health. Paul just being Paul…

I feel like an awful friend. And at ~30, you’d think I’d have figured these things out right? I feel embarrassed not to have the skills to work through these things with the people I care about.

Where do I begin?

It feels too late… not worth it… but is that true?

…

So here we are again, fucking awkward conversations.

Perhaps I should expect more…

And if history continues to repeat itself, I can expect them to come on days when I’m ‘head down, on a mission’, just trying to get my damn groceries and get the f*ck home.

Not today. Please not today.

And then, naturally, everyone at once.

Time to retreat into my shell now.

New day tomorrow.

Kindness.